Added Burdens
by smee-chan
Summary: *Cloud/Vincent* How can Vincent hope to love when he's still atoning for sins of the past?


Added Burdens

Thanks to Wannon for beta-reading it, and challenging me with the pairing in the first place.

~Added Burdens~

It had to be him.

Anyone else would have been … predictable… or at the very least friendly.

Tifa, of course, would have been overjoyed.Eager to make up for the past.Happy to plan a future.She'd welcome me with open arms to say the least.

Aeris I did love.Or a part of me did.But the parts of me that loved her, and the parts of me that she loved weren't really me.They were all Zack.He influenced me in many ways; sometimes it's hard to distinguish what's me and what's him, even after Tifa helped sort out our memories.Some of me is all him and not really me at all.And those parts love Aeris as much as she loved me.

Cid… Well he had Shera anyway, but he would have sworn of course, then, once he'd run out of words or breath he'd have hugged me.He'd probably offer me some tea and tell me I'd find someone else.He put up a good front but Cid simply didn't have it in him to truly dislike someone.Unless it related to his precious space program.

Yuffie is a bit harder to imagine.She probably would have laughed in my face, told me I was too old for her and stolen all my Materia.She's too much like a little sister anyway.Fiercely independent, violently confident and arrogant as only the very young, or very foolish can be.I can remember her crying on my shoulder when Aeris died.I wish I had a sister.

Barret.I can just see him now.Arms waving wildly as he called me a 'foo' and cursed me.Of course once he calmed down he'd be accepting, if not understanding.Barret believed in friends and enemies being for life.

Cait Sith… he isn't even real.And the man behind the machine?I don't know Reeve that well.He took on a whole different personality when he was controlling that cat.I never really got to know him… I couldn't trust him.Despite his noble aims and accomplishments it seemed too often that to him 'the ends justified the means.'He is a caring man though… and I have suspect that he is 'that way inclined.'He probably wouldn't reject me.He respects me at the very least… so he'd respect my feelings.Give it a try.

Nanaki, I don't even know if that's physically possible!Despite his supposed youth, Nanaki is one of the wisest beings that I know.Bugenhagan's influence no doubt.He would be calm and thoughtful.He'd tell me that love is beautiful and can exist between any beings.That the Planet accepts all love and so should we. Then he'd explain that my feelings, though precious, were not reciprocated and that there was someone for me but it wasn't him.

Of course it wasn't any of them.

I can still remember the day I first saw him.In the gloomy depths of the Shinra mansion.I knew the area of course; I'd been there with Sephiroth before.But that particular room was new to me.We felt for sure that something powerful or valuable was there, after the battle we'd been through to get the key something important had to be down there.None of us expected what we found.

There wasn't anything impressive about the room itself.It was spooky in a gothic way.Not really scary compared to other things we've faced, like Don Corneo._Shudder.But the atmosphere was enough to quieten us.It seemed wrong to talk aloud._

Some people you have an instant connection to.You feel you've known them forever when you've only just met them. Vincent wasn't like that at all.None of them were _that easy to get to know.But Vincent was… withdrawn at best.It wasn't that he __didn't speak, more that when he said something it was important – and you knew he meant it._

He was a reluctant ally who somehow turned into a friend.Well, that's the word _I use… he might call it something else... something less._

I still remember the way he looked that first day.No one else seems to notice how much he has changed.He wasn't just pale then, he was ghostly.When the lid came off the coffin and he was there… I didn't know if he was human or something from a horror story.He'd probably claim the latter anyway.

He was beautiful.Anyone will admit to that.Long, raven hair, pale porcelain skin and of course, his eyes._No one has eyes like Vincent.Later I heard Tifa describing them to Aerisas 'blood red'… she can't have seen what I saw.His eyes weren't one colour, one shade.They glowed deep crimson and russet red, streaked, speckled and sparkling with scarlet and ruby.Blood was there, and garnets, roses and wine.Suffering, loss, love, betrayal and longing._

How could I not fall in love with him?And why would he ever love _me?_

I told him, thinking it was for the best.'It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all' isn't it?Perhaps it would be worse not knowing… but would it hurt this much?

~ * ~

After the battle with Sephiroth, it was hard to just _live._Tifa and Barret returned to Midgar, Marlene needed him and Tifa just drifted back into her job as a bar maid... in new premises, of course.Yuffie went back to Wutai, determined to bring it forward as a city in it's own right – not just a tourist resort.Nanaki returned to Cosmo Canyon to follow in Bugenhagan's footsteps as their leader and protector.Cid returned to make a go of it with Shera, as far as I know they're still together.It took them a good long while to move forward, Shera was eager to put the past behind them but Cid felt too guilty... and guilt isn't the strongest basis for a relationship.They worked it out though.

All that left was Vincent and I.The two loners with PASTS.Shinra experiments… Shinra failures.I had nowhere to go, nothing left to do.Destroying Shinra, defeating Sephiroth was my life and when I achieved that, I had nothing.Vincent didn't seem to care; he was determined to return to the Shinra mansion to resume his penance.It was then that I realised that what I felt for him wasn't friendship, or mere liking… I loved him.

I didn't tell him then, I wasn't used to the idea myself.So I decided to accompany him back to Nibelheim. To see the old town, to bury my own ghosts.I too, had sins of omission that I needed to atone for, not least of which was allowing Sephiroth's insanity to go unchecked. My rational self tells me there is nothing I could have done.I was just a lowly soldier… it was Zack who let him read about Jenova, Zack who watched him deteriorate into insanity in the depths of the Shinra mansion.But Zack is dead… and _I carry his memories and his guilt._

Neither of us are overly talkative people.With deep thoughts and depressing memories on our minds, we became even less so.The journey was long, but I only remember bits of it.A few remarks people made about Meteor, scenes that flashed by out the train window, shared silences that spoke more than words.

We arrived in Nibelheim bowed under the weights of our sins.Vincent spoke for the first time in what seemed an age.

"I will return to my imprisonment." 

It wasn't a question or an invitation.But I took it as one.I didn't want him to lock himself away again.My own guilt I could bear, but I felt his guilt too.If I had stopped Sephiroth, he wouldn't have to bear that added burden.The burden of knowing he allowed him to be created.The burden of helping to destroy him.

We continued our journey through my 'home town'.I found it disturbing to be back in the place where so much death had happened.I knew that this place wasn't real, but still Zack's memories arose in my mind.

Choking smoke, and leaping flames.The stench of charred flesh and the screams of people dying.And amidst it, proud and beautiful: Sephiroth.Standing among the burning buildings and hungry flames.Son of Jenova… son of Lucrecia.

Vincent seemed impervious to my distraction.He made his dignified way through the recreated town.Stopping only when he reached the gate to the mansion.

"Go back now.There is nothing for you here."

A last ditch effort on his behalf.Whether he wanted to be alone or whether he was trying to save me, I don't know.But I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to be numb.

"This is where Sephiroth truly died," I told him quietly.He knew the story of course.The team had filled him in on my past when he'd first joined us.But he didn't know the impact it had on me.I could have told him on the journey over, but we'd both been thinking of other things.Other people, other times, other sins.

He nodded and opened the gate.He understood my confusion, my pain.He too, knew what it is to be without hope, without a future.With only a past you want to forget and a purpose that had already been fulfilled.There is nothing left for me in the world.Nothing but Vincent, and the sins I bear for Zack and myself.The sins I bear for the Planet

The walk to the basement was undertaken in silence.But it was a comfortable silence, like one between old friends or family.Neither of us felt compelled to fill it with meaningless words, or thoughtless comments.

We reached the basement and he made for the small room where he'd been sleeping all those years.I almost followed him, but instead walked towards the library.There I could discover more about the experiment done on me… and on how Sephiroth was created.

A pause in his steady movement halted me.

"Stay with me awhile?"

The question shocked me._Why would Vincent want me to be there?My confusion must have shown on my face for he began to elucidate._

"I feel it is necessary to share my burden."

I nodded, of course.I wanted to be near him, and I wanted to hear his story for myself.All I knew of Vincent was from a few cryptic statements and a half-remembered conversation between him and Lucrecia, and of course his argument with Hojo.

He told me his tale.Of Lucrecia and Sephiroth, Hojo and Gast.Everything.Some of it I already knew, some of it I had guessed.Most of it was new to me.At the end of it all I loved him even more.He told the story clearly and concisely, neither over nor under playing his part but every word and each minute gesture betrayed his feeling of guilt and betrayal.But he blamed _himself._

Lucrecia had been ambitious and weak, I doubt she ever loved him. But he didn't see it that way.In his eyes she was beautiful and perfect.Hojo had manipulated her and he had watched it happen and done nothing because he felt hurt.He had betrayed her by allowing Sephiroth to be born, by allowing Hojo to raise the child, but most of all for abandoning her.

He was wrong.It was obvious to me and everyone else that Vincent couldn't have done anything more.If he had tried, Hojo would simply have had him arrested or demoted.Turks – even good ones – were easy come, easy go.Scientists on the other hand were special.

I didn't say this to him then.He wouldn't believe me, and would probably despise me for not understanding.Instead I told him my own tale.Well, Zack's and mine.He probably knew most, if not all of it already.But he'd never heard it from me.

In the wake of our shared sorrows, our shared shame, there was silence.It seemed _right to make my confession._

"Vincent, I…"

Though the moment was ready, the words wouldn't come.I couldn't say them.I opened my mouth then closed it.His face was softened by the dim light.His hair partially shadowed his features but I could see a slight smile._He understands… maybe he even feels the same…Smiles were not familiar on his face, it made him appear kinder… more welcoming.Vincent was never cruel but he seldom welcomed contact with others.He was solitary, stoic, silent and alone.No matter how much he spoke, he never said more than was absolutely necessary._

Until now.Perhaps this new desire to share was because of some _affection for me?I had to act now, before he left me again, before he disappeared back into his coffin._

I knew that I couldn't just tell him… I couldn't speak, my throat was dry, the words thumped in my mind.Pleading to be said. _I love.. love… you.. I love you._

Perhaps I could show him.We were standing so close, it took so little to close the gaps between us, to just lean forward and capture his lips with my own.Heaven.His warmth.He looks so cold, so pale and almost lifeless.But his skin… so warm and alive, his lips so soft and welcoming.My hands reach up to tangle in his silky, satin hair.Then I realize that he isn't welcoming me.His own hands are taut against his sides.His mouth remains firmly closed, there is no answering pressure against mine.

I pull back and look at his face.Disgust and _shame? war in his eyes.Disgust wins, and for the first time I see what Tifa meant.The beautiful collage of red is just one color, one shade, one depth.Blood._

"I'm sorry… I lo… I love you."

"I cannot love you."

_Not 'I **do not'…**Confusion reigns once more on my face.Words come easily to my lips now._

"Why?I can love youdespite my failings… we are so much alike.. you understand me!"My protests are heartfelt.Though he hasn't moved, I can feel him drifting away from me.Distaste and pity mingle on his face.I patiently wait for his answer.

He looks ready to speak, twice.His words stop before they are spoken aloud.Confusion makes its home in _his eyes.Finally he begins to speak.His words drilling holes in my heart._

"It's unnatural.What you did is a sin against God… against the natural order of things.Your actions add to the burden you must bear… the burdens I must bear.You cannot love me.I love Lucrecia and I always will.What you feel is an abomination."

The words cut me._He will never love me… he hates me.Same-sex relationships are not uncommon in this day and age.Most churches still frown upon them, but the public is generally accepting.Abruptly understanding dawns.When Vincent was growing up, homosexuals were not even publicly acknowledged.Probably anyone who confessed to having feelings for someone of the same sex was carted off to a mental institution._

It doesn't make it any easier to accept, but at least now I understand.I apologize again and leave.What is left for me there?

I can do penance anywhere… but I am adding to Vincent's burden by being there.He doesn't return my feelings and to him I am disgusting and disturbing.I hope he can find solace in sleep, hope in dreams.

I loved… and I have lost.I like to think that Vincent will one day have paid enough penance, that his atonement's will equal his sins.Lucrecia will live long enough to see him again, the Mako within her will ensure that... then perhaps they can be together… and he can be happy.

I suppose I will return to Tifa.It may be cruel to use her as a substitute, but now I know how she feels.What it's like to love someone and not have that love returned.I don't love her but I can make her happy.Perhaps that will be my atonement.

~ * ~

After he leaves, I just stand there for awhile.Has another sin been added to my conscience?It was him that kissed me… but I didn't stop him.And somehow I didn't hate the feel of him against me.His lips... his touch didn't disgust me like it should have.He saw something in my face when I didn't respond.He thought it was directed at him.But my disgust, my shame was for me, for my weakness, my pleasure.

I told him the truth.I cannot love him.I will not love him.

~ Continued in _Facing Eternity_ ~

**_~ Dedicated to woolly-hats with pompoms ~_**

__


End file.
